Recent Entries

Current Mood: strong

Entry tags:

it's all working out

The last couple weeks have been pretty busy. Even though I haven't started the new position yet, I have been slowly training for and taking on some of the responsibilities. I am doing this while still completing my usual case manager position... until we can hire someone new for that role. So far it's been a heck of a lot of networking and setting up meetings with community partners. It feels like a lot. I think I'll find my groove though.

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I also joined the local YMCA almost two weeks ago. Not something I really planned to or expected to be doing, but my coworker randomly joined a couple days prior, and asked me to come as a guest to a class (pilates) with her. I went, and then came home to research pricing for membership. It's kind of expensive in my area ($82/month), and wasn't sure if it was worth it to me, since I am not historically good at sticking to workout routines. I imagined I would waste that money, because I'd stop going. Granted, I've never joined a gym or took fitness classes, really only ever tried doing stuff on my own, and it would often fizzle out.

Even though the Y is expensive, I did look on my health insurance website, as I know many offer discounted memberships or partial refunds if you prove you visited X-number of times per month. Turns out they actually have discounted memberships that cut the price to about 1/3 of the usual price per month - $28. So, I decided to bite the bullet and just try it. In the last two weeks I've been to 6 classes - pilates, strength and sculpt, and two different aqua exercise classes. I really like it so far, and hopefully I keep up with it. It feels a bit different when it's live instruction.

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I've also been helping my mom clean her house the last couple weekends. Since my dad passed away, her mental health has declined quite a bit and she's let things go. My older brother and his family are headed down for Easter, and wanted to stay with my mom (she's got 4 bedrooms empty). Over Christmas she told them No, because she was ashamed of the state of the house. For Easter, I told her to say Yes, and that I'd help her spruce things up. She was overwhelmed at first, but she agreed that she'd feel worse and maybe regret not being able to spend that time with the family (especially the grandkids). So, she's allowing me to help her. I am going back this weekend.

Current Mood: determined

Entry tags:

in my hands

Thus ends the first week of our most recent intake at work. I think she's doing well. The usual/expected drama has already begun to take place between the ladies in the house, but I think she's hanging tight and so far isn't getting dragged into it all too much.

In between trying to get her set up, I've been considering who may be our next intake. We get influxes of women contacting us pretty regularly -- more so in cold months when people need a roof over their head. We're more than just a roof. I'd say at least half reach out with interest, and then never follow up again. I often wonder why. Did they have second thoughts? Did they get into a dangerous situation and are unable to get back in touch? I try not to think too deeply on that part, that can feel kind of dark.

I had one woman for about a 3 week span, who would set up appointments with me, I'd call to do a screening questionnaire (gather more info about her history and current need for placement), and she wouldn't pick up the phone. It would go right to an automated message as if the phone was turned off and she hadn't set up an outgoing voicemail (so I couldn't leave a message). We went back and forth setting up new call appointments through email, then she didn't answer or have her phone on, and repeat. Finally I just stopped setting up call appointments with her.

Typically when someone reaches out, we set up a call which takes about 30 mins, or up to an hour if they are talkative. It really just gives us an opportunity to gauge if they fit our admission criteria, what their current need for placement is, any medical or psychiatric diagnoses, how likely they are to fit well in our program structure and with our current women. Then after meeting with my team, we may either give them a second interview (if interested) or provide referrals to other programs (if we don't think they'd do well in our program). This second interview can take anywhere from an hour to 3 hours -- again, depending on how much they share and disclose. It's a real deep dive, and I frequently exit that interview feeling connected to them in their trust and vulnerability with me.

I've got two women right now who have completed both interviews. I really like and think we may bring both in. It's anxiety provoking to feel like the choice is largely mine. Someone's fate is largely mine. So many women need a place, but there aren't enough places, and my movements, my opinions, my selections are felt heavily.

One woman is in a more urgent, dire, dangerous situation, but we are not an emergency shelter. It can take weeks to go through the process of bringing someone new in. And she doesn't have a phone of her own, and has been in three states and three shelters since January. I want our program to be the calm she deserves after so much chaos. I hope we can stay connected long enough for us to help her.

Another woman has a bit more of a robust support system, is not in imminent danger, and yet is homeless. She's well-spoken, thoughtful, and has experienced a number of traumas. I don't like making people wait, and sometimes I have to make that call. If you've got a (car) roof over your head and no one trying to physically harm or abduct you, you sadly may get the back burner. It sucks. But I am still pushing for her.

Today, this week... it has felt heavy, and rewarding, and excruciating, and...and...

Current Mood: thankful

Entry tags:

money,
work

promotion officially accepted

I had my annual review today, and it went well. At this organization, we do 360 reviews, which means people are being reviewed by their supervisors, direct reports, and their co-workers. It gives a nice well-rounded view of people. It was funny, because my supervisor came into the meeting like, "I hate doing these things" and was kinda hemming and hawing a bit. I thought maybe she had some less-than-great feedback to give on something about my performance, but instead it was all really positive stuff. I got all 4.0 to 4.8 scores (on a 5-point scale). Her goals for me this year were very reasonable, but will be a challenge for me. She wants me to give 2 community presentations about the program, develop a new training program/modality for our volunteers, get more involved in a couple local anti-trafficking organizations, and look into credentialing our program through another well-respected national organization. All good goals for me. Challenging, a little nerve-wracking, but all feel very valuable for the organization, and valuable in my growth as a person in this field.

I also got my official offer letter for the new position, which I will officially start in 3 weeks. They came in at the salary that was mentioned to me a couple weeks back, so I feel great about that. I can't even express how pleased I am that I moved on from my old employer 15 months ago. Not only have I professional grown more in 15 months than I did in 13 years at my old place, but also my salary has increased 65% from what I was making when I left my old place. Unreal.

Entry tags:

clean house

Last week I left my carpet cleaning machine at work, intending to more or less donate it, because I had another (new in box) one at home. We really needed something like that at work, because I sometimes bring Dexter to work, and one of our ladies has a therapy dog, so sometimes it's just nice to have something easily available to get a deep clean when spills or muddy footprints occur somewhere in the offices. The ones I have are those Bissell Little Green Clean Machines, which have been around for some time. The machine I had at home I had purchased a few years back at a church rummage sale, and it looked to be NIB. I had never tested it though, assuming it was new.

Well, I had reason to use the machine at home on Friday, because my work compost bin (which I bring home on Fridays to empty at home) toppled and leaked in my trunk. However, once I opened the machine, it was clear it had actually been used. That actually doesn't bother me, as I am a thrifter, and as long as it's in working order, I don't mind used stuff at all. Sadly, after I filled the tank with cleaner, I realized the hose nozzle was not dispensing/spraying. Drat. In the moment, I just used a manual spray bottle to spray the trunk liner, and finished it off by vacuuming with the Bissell. It did the job, but darn I hate when people donate stuff that isn't working right.

So, on Saturday I looked up videos on how to fix the machine. And I was able to take it apart, clean it thoroughly, and diagnose the issue. I was afraid it would be the pump or some part that may be hard to find, but as it turned out, it was just a clog. Seems the old owner used some kind of granulated cleaner that hadn't dissolved fully in the water tank (or it was mineral build-up). So, with maybe 45 mins of time invested, I've got a fully functioning machine again. Yay! It feels good to fix stuff, as I truly hate the throw-away culture we live in.

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My youngest brother made it from California to the east coast, and he was staying at my mom's for Saturday night, planning to head up the his new house on Sunday (and back to work Monday). He drove across the country over the course of about 10 days, camping along the way, sending me pictures here and there. I went over to my mom's last evening to have dinner with him before he went up to his place. We had Poke bowls for dinner and chatted (and watched a random, low-budget, badly-acted movie, which prominently featured a local diner he loved as a child).

I brought him a bit of a housewarming basket, but kept it small, because I knew his car was probably full of stuff. I gave him two door mats, because we've been getting a lot of rain lately, so I thought something practical to clean his shoes at the door would be helpful. I also gave him some organic, fair-trade, locally-roasted coffee, some chocolates and macadamia nuts, and a vintage mug from his favorite childhood diner (mentioned above). He and I are both big coffee drinkers. When he saw the mug, that's what prompted him to look up the diner and he found the movie, which we watched after dinner. It was an enjoyable evening, for sure. I am excited to go visit him at the new place once he's settled in a bit.

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Sunday I mostly hung out around the house, doing my usual chores. Watering plants, turning my compost, doing laundry, clipping the cats' nails, etc. I was able to spend some time starting a new book about inherited family trauma, which is interesting. I was finally able to take Dexter outside for some proper playing, as it's been too rainy the last several days. My husband and I also took a short trip out to Harbor Freight to get some hard cases for his camera gear, and so I could cash in all my coins for a Home Depot gift card. Yay home ownership. The CoinStar machine doesn't take a surcharge if you convert your cash to a gift card, so that's what I always do. Husband was like, "We could either do Home Depot or one of these restaurants." I guess I am just too practical. haha.

Current Mood: amused

Entry tags:

pets

Dexter

This pretty much sums up my dog in a nutshell. He's a wild, funny, wacky kid.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: productive

Entry tags:

finances,
work

sign me up

Today I was talking with my supervisor, and she told me that in the next couple weeks, she needs to complete my annual evaluation. This isn't my anniversary, but this organization does everyone's annual evals/raises at the same time. And then once the eval is complete, she says the executive director was saying they want to offer me a 24% increase on my salary if I take this new director role at work.

Yes please!

-----

Work has been super busy this week. We're readying for an intake next Monday, so that's always hectic. And our in-house therapy team is planning to change their weekly schedule with the ladies, going into effect in the next couple weeks. Some of the ladies aren't happy at all, others it won't affect so much. But from an administrative point of view, it's reaping havoc on the schedule. Our admin -- who frequently brings her laptop into my office to sit, vent, and work -- was going mad this afternoon trying to fit all the needed things into our house schedule for the month of March. It's a cluster fuck, and I had to encourage her to just put it aside (we were 20 mins past our departure time), so we could look at it with fresh eyes in the morning.

I spent my morning pushing a lady to tears. She's experienced significant trauma for the first 20+ years of her life, and is on the autism spectrum, so trying to encourage her to work on her finances, change her schedule, consider a future where she has increased independence, etc... is a huge undertaking to even discuss. She gets upset with me for even bringing up aspects of these themes, and has a lot of internal scripts that play in her mind, bringing her shame and anguish for accepting the help (let alone asking for it) we offer her.

I am not a perfect human (though some of them, in moments, expect me to be), but I do love this job. I am built for this job.

Current Mood: optimistic

Entry tags:

work graduation, work promotion

So two months ago, the director of our program resigned. I had worked with her for just over a year (she hired me), and she had quite a few issues in her work performance and conduct, due to what I think was mostly her self-esteem and past traumas. Both of these issues unfortunately bled into her work, and caused inappropriate interactions or inaction (to important issues/topics) with both our residents and our staff. She received some corrective action from her supervisors, and within a week, chose to put in her resignation. After the resignation, sadly she either flat out said or alluded to negative things about our program and the administration, twisting the facts to appear as the victim. It was a shame. I truly don't think anyone had bad feelings towards her as a person, but people saw the issues, and I just think this was not the right time for her to be in the role that she was in. She has a lot of growth to do.

Anyway... recently we had a resident approaching graduation from our program (she actually graduated today). Typically our program is about two years, and so when they are graduating, we ask the woman to select who she would like to invite to her graduation party (which we host). In addition to her very supportive family, the woman who graduated wanted to invite a few former and current employees, including the former director. Not at all a surprise, and totally appropriate. Seeing the former director was really nice today. I did not sense any awkwardness from anyone, which I was so glad about. After all, we weren't gathering for any of us, we were gathering for this woman who had worked so hard for two years to climb out of addiction, work on herself in multiple therapies, work on life skills, get multiple job offers, and get an apartment of her own. I did not even see her at her lowest, as I've only been there for the last 15 months or so, but I could not be any prouder of her.

This past week leading up to the graduation celebration, my current supervisor mentioned that I ought to give a speech at the graduation luncheon. I get nervous with that kind of stuff. Ultimately I always do well enough, but the lead up to public speaking engagements always makes me a bit anxious. And today the ED and my supervisor are like, "And you're gonna start us out." Haha, I just rolled with it. Luckily I had prepared something touching, but also really funny to speak about to the graduate. The audience and the graduate were cracking up and liked the speech/story. I was relieved it went over so well. The whole party was really lovely, I couldn't have asked for a nicer afternoon for her. She really deserved it.

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As a side note, for the last month or so, I've been in loose negotiations to take the director role. We have done without someone in that role the last couple months, because we were still recovering from the director leaving (and the mini dramas that came of that), as well as working to discharge one woman and bring in another. It's just been busy, and we wanted to catch our breath before throwing someone new into that director role. I had a couple residents and employees come to me to see if I was going to take the role, and I would be very non-committal and tread lightly. Honestly, I wasn't 100% sure I wanted it, since I love my current job so very much. But over time, in talking with my supervisor and the ED on several occasions, I think I'm very likely going to take it. I just need to negotiate salary, and then we can determine when I'd transition over. We'd also need to find and train someone to work my current job.

Entry tags:

youngest brother is moving

Yesterday my youngest brother left California to move back to our home state (which is where I live now also - about 30 mins drive from our hometown). Back in January, while home for the holidays, he purchased a house up in the mountains a couple hours away from me. I'll take the 2 hour drive, over the 50 hour drive. He had lived out in California for maybe 8 years, but when my dad had Alzheimer's several years ago, he started talking about moving back out here to be close to family. He will keep his job in CA and work remotely, paying the much cheaper cost of living that is here. He'll be getting to this area in about 11 days. I am looking forward to it.

My husband and I are talking about going up to visit him at his new place once he gets settled in. We're going to give him our barely-used electric lawn mower, as he's got a nice small lawn at his new place. I'll also give him some local coffee and a vintage mug from this diner he used to like when we were kids. He's a big coffee lover like me. When he was home for December/January, I actually gave/lent him my Moka pot, because he was growing frustrated at the mediocre (awfulness?) of our mom's Keurig. I am far from a coffee snob, but I can't do Keurig either. Half for the quality, half for the utter waste of single-use plastics.

When we go to visit my brother, I want to bring our dog. It would be the longest car ride he's been on with us since the day we adopted him. I want to get him accustomed to longer rides, as I would love to take road trips with him, and have him relax a bit. I used to take him to work fairly regularly (a 12-15 minute ride, which I have paused for reasons unrelated to him), and he just whines the whole ride. Same when the weather is nice and I take him to various parks. I think he's just excited or overstimulated by seeing everything around us as we drive. We live on a fairly quiet, semi-rural property, so he doesn't get tons of interactions outside of beings in our household. Anyway... I'd like to give it a shot. I wonder if there's something I could give him to calm him.

Current Mood: full

Entry tags:

mother/daughter brunch

This afternoon, my BFF and I took our moms out to brunch at a fancy local inn. A buffet brunch, to be exact. As I went up to get a bagel and lox, I was reminded why I so rarely go to buffets. An adult man walks up, picks up a slice of rye bread with his hands, and puts it back onto the tray. I handed him a pair of tongs. He thanked me, but seriously...the tongs were right there. What grown-ass adult (a) doesn't look around for the tongs, (b) decides to use their bare hand, and (the clincher) (c) changes their mind and puts the item back into the buffet! I am not going to say I've never used my hand to get something from a common tray at a private party or buffet, but I am super careful to only touch the item I am taking, and then I would never put it back onto the serving tray. Augh. I recognize I may be a bit more anxious around this stuff than some. Thank goodness I have a strong immune system!

The brunch was nice. BFF and I are trying to get our moms to interact and get out of the house more. Her parents live with her, and her mom tends towards depression and isolation. She's trying to get her mom out of the house, and out of her hair (haha). Back in October we took them to a Halloween tea party brunch at a local tea house, and we found out the tea house has a monthly book club. That day, our moms signed up for the club, and they've been going the last few months. Success! It's especially great for my mom, who lives totally alone and has gotten quite isolated and inactive since my dad died a couple years ago. I think when he first died, she was almost afraid to go out. She was caring for him (he had dementia) throughout the pandemic, and on top of the isolation Covid caused for many, my dad would also get very nervous if my mom went out, so for those last few years, she barely went out. I've been trying to get her slowly back into things that bring her joy: church, friends, going to the mountain cabin. We're slowly getting there.

Current Mood: calm

Entry tags:

snowy morning

Enjoying the view of a snowy morning, sipping coffee at my desk, with a 40-lb lap dog.

Current Mood: busy

Entry tags:

busy start to the year

I am glad it's Friday. It was a somewhat rough week, because the internet was out at the safe house where I work. We're on a large, heavily-wooden property, and our internet is prone to going out after a storm. It drives me bonkers, as no one can even call our office phone, because it's internet-based. We're a safe house... that people call for help... and they can't get through. Awesome!

Anyway, as rough as having no internet made this past week, nothing can be as bad as the hectic nature of late December through late January at work. It all started when my former supervisor got Covid and came to work anyway. I think she mainly came to work, because she wanted to let us know she had turned in her two weeks notice. Within a couple days, I had Covid and texted my co-workers to let them know. I had been having a super dry throat and fatigue for a couple days, and immediately started wearing a mask around my co-workers and the women at the safe house. After two days of feeling kinda cruddy, I was gonna take a day off, and my hubby told me to take a Covid test. Sure enough! Luckily none of my other co-workers got it, but several of the residents of our safe house did.

So Christmas week was a blur, and I never really got to say goodbye to my supervisor (at least not in person). I felt kinda bad, but also relieved about that. She had made it quite awkward once she put in her 2 weeks. I had stayed home for a week, just Joe and I (he had Covid also), and went back to work right before New Years. And then crap started hitting the fan with the residents. Understandably, the women were feeling a certain kind of way about my supervisor leaving. They were close to her, she likely said not-so-kind things about us and our executive director, etc. So, we were trying to calm the women, assure the staff we were still stable, and continue as usual.

Then we had one resident (who had been with us over a year) start to decline mentally and physically, to the point where she needed a level of care we could not provide. We fought for her to get services she needed, and ultimately discharged her and sent her on her way. We also have been trying to corral a different woman who is on her way out of our program, because she completed it (after 2 years). She had changed jobs and was looking for an apartment, so she could move out of our housing, but she has been so hard to get responses from when I reached out. She's always been that way, but when you're trying to plan a Celebration for her, man is it frustrating to have someone blowing you off.

And in the midst of all of this, I am also having to keep doing the everyday stuff. Answer the phones to speak with women interested in our program, give them resources if we can't help, interview the ones we think we can provide a spot to, AND continue care and support for the women already with us. I just sent an acceptance letter to one woman yesterday, and we're excited to bring her in in a couple weeks. And we've got another woman in the wings, who I hope we can bring in shortly after that. And did I mention that behind the scenes, we're also trying to revamp our program policies and structure? Yeah. We've had a lot of turnover of management in the last 4-5 years. The water has gotten muddied and I think there's a lot of room to grow and improve, so we're starting to do that too.

I am glad we're on an upward trend.

Entry tags:

Put it somewhere else.

You gotta resurrect that deep pain within you
and give it a place to live
that's not within your body.
Let it live in art.
Let it live in writing.
Let it live in music.
Let it be devoured
by building brighter connections.
Your body is not a coffin for pain to be buried in.
Put it somewhere else.

-Ehime Ora

I feel like something is brewing, and potentially has been for some time. A dis-ease, a boredom, a settling, a loss, a lack of any kind of positive movement.

I see myself slowly creeping into something or someone I do not like. I'm more judgemental, anxious, depressed, tired, hopeless.

I am less spontaneous, joyful, creative, physically healthy, and clear-headed/sharp.

What has happened to me? Can I get back who I once was, or is that not even who I should strive for anymore? I think I need to devote more time to my own well-being. It's hard to change, it's easy to just stay stuck. I'm used to being stuck.